The Loud Silence of Non-existent Optimism

Pic Credit: Basic India

“Nothing” is my enemy. It’s a dark little monster that seems to creep in the night when silence decided to become my friend. Lying in my bed in the dark, I stared at the ceiling while my eyes adjusted.  Trying to get used to the blackness around me displayed little lights of green and blue all over, though when I tried to focus on one dot the light would disappear.

Everything seemed to make my senses a little sharper. I could hear my heart pounding, the flutter of the curtain in the wind created by my fan. The fan seemed to have this faint clicking sound whenever it did a full rotation. I never noticed that.  The silence made my ears ring. Almost like a high pitch squeal that didn’t seem to exist. I always wondered in the dark if this ringing was real or if I was imagining it. How can silence make a sound? How can silence ring?

Just lying there forcing thought out of my brain, my body seemed to become heavy. I felt myself slowly sinking into my bed. My fingers started to become little rocks i couldn’t move. I became as still as calm waters, all I could focus on was my inhaling and exhaling. Or so I thought?  Soon enough, I couldn’t push thoughts out of my head anymore and a rush of past actions and experiences made its way into my mind. I thought about my mom and how she had surgery and I wasn’t there. I thought about how I haven’t been able to see my family since Christmas because I couldn’t afford it. I thought of how i’m stuck at FIU for another semester because my Advisor couldn’t read a SASS report correctly and didn’t notice I was missing ONE upper division credit.  I thought of how my mom wants me to return to Jacksonville because she hasn’t seen me forever when all I want to do is runaway from there.

Runaway…I just wanted to start a new life. I’m soon going to be holding a Bachelor’s degree in Asian studies and i’m stuck in a state where that population isn’t even large. I want to go back to Los Angeles! I want to get a job in my field where it will take me to East Asia constantly. I don’t understand why everyone wants me to settle. I can’t settle yet. There’s so much more to see.  My thoughts were such a rush and by the end of my “Do Nothing” experience, I felt sad because I didn’t realize how clueless I was.  All that I wanted I don’t know how to start and this experience has showed me a deep problem within myself.  I don’t know where to start after I graduate. I have absolutely no idea and I saw my biggest fear by doing nothing. Realizing that I’m lost…

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